How to Meow in Yiddish: Lord Of The Nose Rings

By Contributor Fifi

***

THE SCENE OPENS at the underground offices of Hobbit & Co., a wholly-owned subsidiary of Godzilla, Inc. The offices, located in Shire County, near Seattle, are lavishly decorated. Balloons are everywhere, a disco ball twirls, and a large sign hangs over the cafeteria entrance: “Congratulations on Your Retirement, Bilbo.”

The cafeteria is crowded with hobbits tucking into a gargantuan feast. At the head table sits Bilbo Baggins, retiring President of Hobbit & Co., with his top executives and special pet employees, including his nephew, Frodo.

BILBO

Ever since I sold out to Godzilla, I’ve wanted to retire, do a little consulting for the Elves, take it easy. No more corporate bullshit.

(Everyone at the table gasps.)

FRODO

Uncle Bilbo! You’re not supposed to say that word. Sauron’s spies are everywhere. If he finds out you’ve said anything bad with the word … (his voice drops to a whisper) “bull” in it ….

BILBO

Who’s going to notice? Look around you. They’re all too busy stuffing their faces to listen. My fault, really. Shouldn’t have spoiled them with donuts on Fridays. Now they won’t even answer an email unless you toss ‘em a cookie. Are you sure this is what you want, Frodo?

FRODO

Oh, yes. All I ever wanted was to be an arrogant, overpaid business executive. Thanks for leveraging your influence to get me this gig, Uncle Bilbo. We’re going to radically grow this business, you’ll see. We’ll be Numero Uno in this space. I’m ready to step up to the plate and make you proud.

BILBO

You’re boring me, kid. I’m outta here.

FRODO

What about your farewell speech?

BILBO

Oh, all right.

(He stands up.)

FREEEEEE FOOOOOOOD!

(A hush falls over the crowd.)

I’m outta here, slackers. Frodo is your new President.

(The crowd murmurs its surprise and dismay.)

DOOOOONUT BREAAAAAAAAK!

(The crowd falls silent again.)

My advice to you is, get ready for a rousing game of “Guillotine.” Frodo, my boy, want to say a few words?

FRODO

(Stands up.)

Fellow Hobbits, we’re all on a glide path to the bottom line. I want you to know ….

(Suddenly, there is a huge explosion and Bilbo disappears in a cloud of smoke. The guests scream and run from the cafeteria, grabbing plates of food on the way out.)

(Frodo peeks out from under the table. He slowly rises, along with his pals Merry, Pippin, and Sam. To his shock, Gandalf the Wizard of Wall Street stands where Bilbo stood only moments ago.)

FRODO

Gandalf! What the … is this a hostile takeover attempt?

GANDALF

You feeb. Your uncle is senile, leaving you in charge. I’ve got more important business than the mere running of a company.

WHAT IS GANDALF’S IMPORTANT BUSINESS? WHY IS THE WORD “BULL” FORBIDDEN THROUGHOUT THE SHIRE? STAY TUNED!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

THE SCENE OPENS inside Bag End, Bilbo’s palatial underground mansion (now owned by Frodo) in Shire County, Seattle. Gandalf balances precariously on a tiny wooden stool, watching Frodo polish off the leftovers from Bilbo’s retirement feast.

GANDALF

Frodo, I have something very important to tell you.

FRODO

Congratulatory message from HQ, right? The top guns in Mordor sure keep their eyes on the ball. No grass growing under their feet. Wonder what that’s like, eh? Grass growing under the feet, rather than on them.

(He examines his hairy big toe.)

GANDALF

I told you, it has nothing to do with the corporation. And yet, it has everything to do with it.

FRODO

Hey, if you’re going to start talking that loony NewNewAge shit, I’m going to have another half-chicken.

(He tears off a chicken leg and starts munching.)

FRODO (cont.)

NewAge was bad enough, then the client wanted modifications and we ended up with NewNewAge. You think they were happy with that? Noooo. We’ve got our best people dinking around with NewNewNewAge. I hate making improvements. What’s wrong with the status quo vadis, eh? But old Uncle Bilbo had a thing about client service. Now we’re stuck with it.

GANDALF

We digress. I have something very important …

FRODO

Wasn’t there some chocolate cake left over? Those Sackville-Bagginses probably made off with it. Pigs. You’re not sitting on it by any chance, are you, Gandalf?

GANDALF

(Rising from the stool and towering over Frodo)

If you don’t shut up and listen this instant, I will turn you into one of your employees.

(Frodo freezes mid-chew, a look of sheer terror on his face.)

You’re such a gourmand, dear Frodo. Perhaps this little confection might interest you?

(Gandalf opens his hand to reveal a velvet box. Frodo gasps.)

FRODO

Did Uncle Bilbo leave me this? I didn’t know he was into jewelry. Oh no, it’s not one of his weird Elvis collectibles?

GANDALF

No, it’s not one of Bilbo’s El-VISH collectibles, you idiot. And yet, it concerns the Elves, and all of us who share this Middle Earth with them. For it holds the key to our very survival.

FRODO

Okey-dokey! Let’s have a look.

(Frodo takes the velvet box from Gandalf and opens it. Inside is a large brass ring.)

GANDALF

This is The Brass Ring of legend, the very nose ring of Sauron the Bull.

FRODO

Hey, what’s this crusty green stuff on it?

GANDALF

Don’t touch that! You want to get an infection?

(He quickly levitates the box out of Frodo’s hands. It hangs in the air.)

Listen up. Sauron is looking for his missing nose ring, for with it he can pull off a hostile takeover of Middle Earth and the corporations in it, including Godzilla and its subsidiaries. There’s only one way to stop him. You, Frodo, must destroy the Brass Ring.

FRODO

I can’t! I want to grab The Brass Ring, not destroy it. Every executive worth his salt wants The Brass Ring. “One Ring to Screw Them All.” How can you ask me to destroy it? Gimme that Ring!

(Frodo leaps into the air, grabbing for the velvet box, but it moves just out of reach.)

GANDALF

You pathetic poser. Think you’re a mover and a shaker? You’ll end up as one of Sauron’s sniveling lower middle managers. Frodo, do you want complete autonomy over Hobbit & Co.? Do you want to be head honcho over the whole Shire? I promise: destroy The Brass Ring, and you will have power and perks beyond your wildest dreams. Swimming pools! Movie stars! Bubbling crude in your own back yard! Oil, that is!

FRODO

Well, I … I don’t know.

Will Frodo destroy The Ring, and turn the Shire into Beverly Hills? Is this truly the beginning of a NewNewNewAge for the Shire and, indeed, for Middle Earth itself? Stay tuned!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

THE SCENE OPENS in the Old Olympic National Forest, across the short water from Shire County, Seattle. Frodo Baggins, having decided to “run this Quest thing up the flagpole and see who salutes it,” is making his way through the forest with his pals Merry, Sam, and Pippin.

PIPPIN

I’m tired. My hairy little feet hurt.

MERRY

And I’m hungry. We haven’t had a bite since the last Starbucks. And that was miles ago.

SAM

It was two blocks ago and there’s another one two blocks hence. So quit whining and act like men.

MERRY

We’re not Men. We’re Hobbits. Who died and made you boss, anyway?

SAM

How you two ever became managers is beyond me.

FRODO

Hey! Quit squabbling and get moving. We’ll never reach Sequim at this rate. I can’t wait to see a town again; this place is spooky. Let’s sing the new company anthem. It’ll keep us moving.

ALL

We’re on track and that’s no bull

‘Cause our coffers are all full

In our space we’re Numero Uno

We eat yogurt with a spoon-o

What’s our mantra? We don’t know

But give us your portfo-li-o!

SAM

That’s the stupidest company anthem I ever heard.

PIPPIN

It’s supposed to be stupid, stupid! All Middle Earth songs are silly and obscure.

MERRY

I’m not sure about the yogurt line, though. It doesn’t really go with the rest of the song.

SAM

That’s the best line. The others are even dumber. Frodo, who wrote this moss-dripping slime, anyway?

FRODO

I did.

MERRY and PIPPIN

We love it!

FRODO

Sam, I hope you’re going to be a team player on this quest venture. We can’t afford any Lone Rangers riding off on a loose cannon, Sam. Gotta keep those silver bullets of yours in the holster.

SAM

Well, since I don’t know what the heck you’re talking about, I’m gonna go along with you on that.

(Suddenly, Sam stops in his tracks and signals the others to be quiet. The awful sound of hooves hitting wet moss is heard from just a short distance away. A frightened Merry begins mindlessly humming the company anthem. Sam thumps him on the back of the head and he falls noiselessly to the ground.)

FRODO

(Whispering) It’s the Low Riders that Gandalf warned me about. If they find us, they’ll take The Brass Ring. We’ve got to get off this path, now!

(They pick up the unconscious Merry and scramble for cover in the hollow of an old tree well off the path. The hoof sounds get louder; now the trembling Hobbits can hear the evil snortings and snufflings of the dreaded Low Riders. Finally they come into view: Three snorting bulls, black as oil slicks, with short, muscular legs and tiny hooves. From their gleaming, deadly horns hang a pair of furry dice. Astride each bull sits a wraithlike creature, leaning back on the reins and hanging its skinny feet over the bull’s horns. One of the Low Riders - perhaps the leader - carries a mysterious black box from which issue cacophonous, eerie sounds and the squawkings of a spirit called “Weird Al.”)

MERRY

(coming to) Lounghfump … errgh.

(Sam thumps him again, but it’s too late! The lead Low Rider silences the black box and signals to the others Closer and closer to the quaking Hobbits they come, sniffing the ground and snorting impatiently.)

Will the horrible Low Riders discover the Hobbits and seize The Brass Ring? Will Merry suffer permanent brain damage from repeated thumpings? And would this be a bad thing? Will Sam keep his bullets in the holster? Stay tuned!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

THE SCENE OPENS in the Old Olympic National Forest, where the Hobbits lie exhausted beside the Withyswindle River. They have barely escaped from the dreaded Low Riders. Miraculously, a blinking “Battery Low” light on the mysterious black box distracted the snorting creatures and their wraithlike-yet-machismo jockeys, allowing the frightened Hobbits to drag Merry to safety.

PIPPIN

I’m tired. My hairy little feet hurt.

SAM

You were tired in the last episode.

PIPPIN

(yawning) But now I’m sleepy, too! I’m so sleepy this rough old willow tree trunk actually looks comfortable.

FRODO

Good idea, Pippin! Let’s all take a quick power nap. With a little rest, we’ll be strategically placed to maximize our Trek-to-Quest ratio.

SAM

Since I don’t know what the heck you’re talking about and Merry’s still out cold, I’ll stand guard.

(The others fall peacefully asleep and soon Sam, too, is dozing on his feet. Suddenly, the willow tree begins to move its twisted limbs.)

TREE

Call me old and rough, will you? I’m in my prime! Trees live longer these days, you know. Sure, my bark is rough, but my sap is identical to that of a much younger tree. Chlorophyll supplements, that’s the secret. And exercise — think I’ll do a little workout, right NOW!

(The tree reaches down, grabs Frodo, and throws him into the river. Sam, suddenly awake, runs toward his friends, but he’s too late! Merry and Pippin have disappeared under the tree’s thick, gnarled roots. Sam pounds on the tree trunk, but the willow has returned to its inanimate state.)

SAM

Mr. Frodo! Are you all right?

FRODO

Gurgle … blumfphul.

(He struggles in the water as Sam watches.)

Helllllllp, you idiot!

SAM

Oh my … sorry … grab onto this stick!

(Using a large stick, Sam hooks Frodo by the collar of his Armani camouflage overcoat. With a mighty heave, he pulls his friend and supervisor out of the river, tossing him onto the knobby roots of the willow tree.)

FRODO

(breathlessly) Sam … sorry I called you an idiot … saw my life flashing before my eyes … forgot all about my diversity training ….

SAM

Never mind that! We’ve got to rescue Merry and Pippin! If we could only find an axe or a hatchet … Merry! Pippin! Can you hear me? Are you all right?

FRODO

Hey! I’ve got my Swiss Army Corporate Survival Knife! There must be some feature we can use. Let’s see: wine opener, table setting, spy cam, digital recorder, rearview mirror, business cards, baseball tickets, cell phone … cell phone! At least we can find out whether they’re still alive.

(He flips open the tiny communicator.)

SAM

No, Mr. Frodo. NO! If you use that thing, you’ll become visible to The Dark Side!

FRODO

You’re in the wrong movie, Sam. I gotta tell you, in a crisis you tend to lose focus. We’ll need to strategize a development plan when I do your eval next month.

SAM

If we live that long. Come on, we’ve got to get help.

(Sam and Frodo run into the forest, calling out for help. They hear singing in the distance and hide behind a tree, watching nervously as a nattily-dressed stranger draws near.)

TOM

Ho Tom Bombadil, he wears a fine suit

He scours the forest for low-hanging fruit

Consulting’s his game, he’s incentivized to win

If you’ve got enough money, your pipeline he’ll stim-

-ulate so Hey Tom Bombadil!

Ho Tom Bombadil!

Retain Tom Bombadil today-hey-hey!

(Tom walks directly to the tree and looks kindly at

the cowering Hobbits.)

Do you fellas need assistance?

FRODO

Tell us where to find that Tom Bombadil you were singing about. Our friends are in trouble. We need an expert to step up to the plate and hit a home run — and fast. We’ll pay top dollar ….

TOM

You want to hire Tom? Why, Tom is right in front of you. Can’t you tell by his magnificent suit? Hey ho, is that an Armani overcoat? Tom can see it’s not waterproof. Tom’s afraid you’re wearing a cheap knockoff.

FRODO

We don’t have time for this 3rd person crapola. If you want our business, you’ll have to talk normally.

TOM

You forget, Tom is a consultant. (Sighs) Oh, all right. What do you need?

SAM

We need a magic jingle to release our friends from the willow tree’s clutches. You gotta work fast, before they’re turned into compost!

TOM

Well, I’m an ad man from way back; jingles are my specialty. I may be able to help you … for the right price. What about that Swiss Army Corporate Survival Knife? Assuming it’s not a cheap imitation, of course.

FRODO

I can’t give you that. We need it to survive … what do you mean, cheap imitation? I bought it on eBay.

TOM

Is that where you got your genu-wine Armani? Nope, Tom wants the knife, or no jingle.

Will Frodo give up his precious knife to save his friends? Even if he does, how do we know Tom’s jingle will work? What if Tom is a spy from a rival corporation? Can Frodo sue Tom if the jingle is a dud? And is Sam in the right movie? Stay tuned!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

THE SCENE OPENS in the Old Olympic National Forest, where Sam and Frodo (minus his overcoat but not his Swiss Army Corporate Survival Knife) stand in front of the nasty willow tree beside the Withyswindle River. Tom Bombadil, claiming an important appointment in the next county, has disappeared faster than food at a department meeting.

FRODO

OK, here we go. This magic jingle better work, or I’ll downsize Tom Bombadil within an inch of his life. I’ll run him up the flagpole and make sure no one salutes him. I’ll ….

SAM

Will you just get on with it, before Merry and Pippin end up with Dutch Elm Disease?

FRODO

You’ve got the wrong tree, Sam. Besides, we had a Dutch Elm Run for the Cure last year — no such disease any more. Don’t you read the emails from HQ? Those Sackville-Bagginses won a trip to the Bahamas for raising the most moolah, but they cheated. I was never able to prove it, though.

SAM

Give me that.

(Grabs piece of paper out of Frodo’s hands. Reads aloud.)

We’re on track and that’s no bull

‘Cause our coffers are all full

In our space we’re Numero Uno

We eat yogurt with a spoon-o

What’s our mantra? We don’t know

But give us your portfo-li-o!

FRODO

Hey! That’s not a jingle. It’s an anthem. Wait just an orc-thumping minute … it’s … it’s our company anthem! Tom Bombadil stole our company anthem!

SAM

And sold it back to us for a fake Armani overcoat.

FRODO

He did! That lying snake is a positive role model for all corporate climbers. Sam, you could take a lesson from ol’ Tom. You can bet ol’ Tom knows his elm from his willow. You can bet ol’ Tom knows what movie he’s in.

SAM

Whatever. But how are we going to rescue Merry and Pippin without a magic jingle?

FRODO

(Pounding his fists on the willow tree)

Let them go, you nasty tree! I’ll turn you into a weeping willow, by my second breakfast I will! Merry! Pippin!

(The distraught Hobbits don’t notice the approach of two mysterious strangers until it’s too late to flee! Sam bravely stands between the strangers and Frodo.)

SAM

Identify yourselves, strangers, before you take another step, or you’ll feel the sting of my master’s Swiss Army Corporate Survival Knife!

ARAGORN

Put up your weapon, noble warrior! I am Aragorn of Madison Avenue, of the race of Mad Men. My companion is Gimli the Dwarf, Vice President of Hacking and Tunneling for the Pacific Western Region. We are wandering these forests as part of our annual Awareness and Sensitivity Training. How can we assist you today?

FRODO

(Peeking out from behind Sam) There aren’t any dwarves in the Pacific Region! The Sasquatch tribe ate them all, long ago!

GIMLI

The Sasquatch are our loyal servants, little one! But that is a tale for another time. How can we minimize your distress?

SAM

Our friends, Merry and Pippin, are trapped under the roots of this willow tree. We need a magic jingle to release them. Tom Bombadil stole our company anthem and left us without a jingle!

ARAGORN

Ah, yes, Tom Bombadil. Beware the unaffiliated traveling consultant, my small friend.

FRODO

Stop calling us “little” and “small!” We’re “differently heighted!”

SAM

Actually, we’re Hobbits. Can you help us?