By Contributor Fifi
***
1.
THE SCENE OPENS at the underground
offices of Hobbit & Co., a wholly-owned subsidiary of Godzilla, Inc. The offices, located in Shire County, near
Seattle, are lavishly decorated.
Balloons are everywhere, a disco ball twirls, and a large sign hangs
over the cafeteria entrance: “Congratulations on Your Retirement, Bilbo.”
The cafeteria is crowded with hobbits tucking into a gargantuan feast. At the head table sits Bilbo Baggins, retiring President of Hobbit & Co., with his top executives and special pet employees, including his nephew, Frodo.
BILBO
Ever since I sold out to Godzilla, I’ve
wanted to retire, do a little consulting for the Elves, take it easy. No more corporate bullshit.
(Everyone
at the table gasps.)
FRODO
Uncle Bilbo! You’re not supposed to
say that word. Sauron’s spies are everywhere.
If he finds out you’ve said anything bad with the word … (his voice
drops to a whisper) “bull” in it ….
BILBO
Who’s going to notice? Look around you. They’re all too busy stuffing their faces to
listen. My fault, really. Shouldn’t have spoiled them with donuts on
Fridays. Now they won’t even answer an
email unless you toss ‘em a cookie. Are
you sure this is what you want, Frodo?
FRODO
Oh, yes. All I ever wanted was to be an arrogant, overpaid
business executive. Thanks for leveraging your influence to get me this gig,
Uncle Bilbo. We’re going to radically
grow this business, you’ll see. We’ll be
Numero Uno in this space. I’m ready to
step up to the plate and make you proud.
BILBO
You’re boring me, kid. I’m outta here.
FRODO
What about your farewell speech?
BILBO
Oh, all right.
(He
stands up.)
FREEEEEE FOOOOOOOD!
(A
hush falls over the crowd.)
I’m outta here, slackers. Frodo is
your new President.
(The
crowd murmurs its surprise and dismay.)
DOOOOONUT BREAAAAAAAAK!
(The
crowd falls silent again.)
My advice to you is, get ready for a
rousing game of “Guillotine.” Frodo, my
boy, want to say a few words?
FRODO
(Stands up.)
Fellow Hobbits, we’re all on a glide
path to the bottom line. I want you to
know ….
(Suddenly,
there is a huge explosion and Bilbo disappears in a cloud of smoke. The guests
scream and run from the cafeteria, grabbing plates of food on the way out.)
(Frodo
peeks out from under the table. He
slowly rises, along with his pals Merry, Pippin, and Sam. To his shock, Gandalf the Wizard of Wall
Street stands where Bilbo stood only moments ago.)
FRODO
Gandalf! What the … is this a hostile takeover
attempt?
GANDALF
You feeb. Your uncle is senile,
leaving you in charge. I’ve got more
important business than the mere running of a company.
WHAT IS GANDALF’S IMPORTANT
BUSINESS? WHY IS THE WORD “BULL” FORBIDDEN
THROUGHOUT THE SHIRE? STAY TUNED!
~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
2.
THE SCENE OPENS inside Bag End, Bilbo’s palatial underground mansion (now owned by Frodo) in Shire County, Seattle. Gandalf balances precariously on a tiny wooden stool, watching Frodo polish off the leftovers from Bilbo’s retirement feast.
GANDALF
Frodo, I have something very important
to tell you.
FRODO
Congratulatory message from HQ,
right? The top guns in Mordor sure keep
their eyes on the ball. No grass growing
under their feet. Wonder what that’s like, eh? Grass growing under the feet,
rather than on them.
(He
examines his hairy big toe.)
GANDALF
I told you, it has nothing to do with
the corporation. And yet, it has
everything to do with it.
FRODO
Hey, if you’re going to start talking
that loony NewNewAge shit, I’m going to have another half-chicken.
(He
tears off a chicken leg and starts munching.)
FRODO
(cont.)
NewAge was bad enough, then the client
wanted modifications and we ended up with NewNewAge. You think they were happy with that? Noooo. We’ve got our best people dinking
around with NewNewNewAge. I hate making
improvements. What’s wrong with the
status quo vadis, eh? But old Uncle
Bilbo had a thing about client service. Now we’re stuck with it.
GANDALF
We digress. I have something very important …
FRODO
Wasn’t there some chocolate cake left
over? Those Sackville-Bagginses probably made off with it. Pigs.
You’re not sitting on it by any chance, are you, Gandalf?
GANDALF
(Rising
from the stool and towering over Frodo)
If you don’t shut up and listen this instant,
I will turn you into one of your employees.
(Frodo
freezes mid-chew, a look of sheer terror on his face.)
You’re such a gourmand, dear
Frodo. Perhaps this little confection
might interest you?
(Gandalf
opens his hand to reveal a velvet box. Frodo
gasps.)
FRODO
Did Uncle Bilbo leave me this? I didn’t know he was into jewelry. Oh no, it’s not one of his weird Elvis
collectibles?
GANDALF
No, it’s not one of Bilbo’s El-VISH
collectibles, you idiot. And yet, it
concerns the Elves, and all of us who share this Middle Earth with them. For it holds the key to our very survival.
FRODO
Okey-dokey! Let’s have a look.
(Frodo
takes the velvet box from Gandalf and opens it.
Inside is a large brass ring.)
GANDALF
This is The Brass Ring of legend, the
very nose ring of Sauron the Bull.
FRODO
Hey, what’s this crusty green stuff on
it?
GANDALF
Don’t touch that! You want to get an infection?
(He
quickly levitates the box out of Frodo’s
hands. It hangs in the air.)
Listen up. Sauron is looking for his missing nose ring,
for with it he can pull off a hostile takeover of Middle Earth and the
corporations in it, including Godzilla and its subsidiaries. There’s only one way to stop him. You, Frodo, must destroy the Brass Ring.
FRODO
I can’t! I want to grab The Brass Ring, not destroy
it. Every executive worth his salt wants
The Brass Ring. “One Ring to Screw Them
All.” How can you ask me to destroy
it? Gimme that Ring!
(Frodo
leaps into the air, grabbing for the velvet box, but it moves just out of
reach.)
GANDALF
You pathetic poser. Think you’re a mover and a shaker? You’ll end up as one of Sauron’s sniveling
lower middle managers. Frodo, do you
want complete autonomy over Hobbit & Co.?
Do you want to be head honcho over the whole Shire? I promise: destroy The Brass Ring, and you
will have power and perks beyond your wildest dreams. Swimming pools! Movie stars!
Bubbling crude in your own back yard!
Oil, that is!
FRODO
Well, I … I don’t know.
Will Frodo destroy The Ring, and turn
the Shire into Beverly Hills? Is this
truly the beginning of a NewNewNewAge for the Shire and, indeed, for Middle
Earth itself? Stay tuned!
~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
3.
THE SCENE OPENS in the Old Olympic
National Forest, across the short water from Shire County, Seattle. Frodo Baggins, having decided to “run this
Quest thing up the flagpole and see who salutes it,” is making his way through
the forest with his pals Merry, Sam, and Pippin.
PIPPIN
I’m tired. My hairy little feet hurt.
MERRY
And I’m hungry. We haven’t had a bite since the last
Starbucks. And that was miles ago.
SAM
It was two blocks ago and there’s
another one two blocks hence. So quit whining and act like men.
MERRY
We’re not Men. We’re Hobbits. Who died and made you boss, anyway?
SAM
How you two ever became managers is
beyond me.
FRODO
Hey!
Quit squabbling and get moving.
We’ll never reach Sequim at this rate.
I can’t wait to see a town again; this place is spooky. Let’s sing the new company anthem. It’ll keep
us moving.
ALL
We’re on track and that’s no bull
‘Cause our coffers are all full
In our space we’re Numero Uno
We eat yogurt with a spoon-o
What’s our mantra? We don’t know
But give us your portfo-li-o!
SAM
That’s the stupidest company anthem I
ever heard.
PIPPIN
It’s supposed to be stupid,
stupid! All Middle Earth songs are silly
and obscure.
MERRY
I’m not sure about the yogurt line,
though. It doesn’t really go with the rest of the song.
SAM
That’s the best line. The others are
even dumber. Frodo, who wrote this
moss-dripping slime, anyway?
FRODO
I did.
MERRY
and PIPPIN
We love it!
FRODO
Sam, I hope you’re going to be a team
player on this quest venture. We can’t afford
any Lone Rangers riding off on a loose cannon, Sam. Gotta keep those silver bullets of yours in
the holster.
SAM
Well, since I don’t know what the heck
you’re talking about, I’m gonna go along with you on that.
(Suddenly,
Sam stops in his tracks and signals the others to be quiet. The awful sound of hooves hitting wet moss is
heard from just a short distance away. A
frightened Merry begins mindlessly humming the company anthem. Sam thumps him
on the back of the head and he falls noiselessly to the ground.)
FRODO
(Whispering) It’s the Low Riders that Gandalf warned me
about. If they find us, they’ll take The Brass Ring. We’ve got to get off this path, now!
(They
pick up the unconscious Merry and scramble for cover in the hollow of an old
tree well off the path. The hoof sounds
get louder; now the trembling Hobbits can hear the evil snortings and
snufflings of the dreaded Low Riders.
Finally they come into view: Three snorting bulls, black as oil slicks,
with short, muscular legs and tiny hooves.
From their gleaming, deadly horns hang a pair of furry dice. Astride each bull sits a wraithlike creature,
leaning back on the reins and hanging its skinny feet over the bull’s
horns. One of the Low Riders - perhaps
the leader - carries a mysterious black box from which issue cacophonous, eerie
sounds and the squawkings of a spirit called “Weird Al.”)
MERRY
(coming to) Lounghfump … errgh.
(Sam
thumps him again, but it’s too late! The
lead Low Rider silences the black box and signals to the others Closer and closer to the quaking Hobbits they
come, sniffing the ground and snorting impatiently.)
Will the horrible Low Riders discover the Hobbits and seize The Brass Ring? Will Merry suffer permanent brain damage from repeated thumpings? And would this be a bad thing? Will Sam keep his bullets in the holster? Stay tuned!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
4.
THE SCENE OPENS in the Old Olympic
National Forest, where the Hobbits lie exhausted beside the Withyswindle
River. They have barely escaped from the
dreaded Low Riders. Miraculously, a
blinking “Battery Low” light on the mysterious black box distracted the
snorting creatures and their wraithlike-yet-machismo jockeys, allowing the
frightened Hobbits to drag Merry to safety.
PIPPIN
I’m tired. My hairy little feet hurt.
SAM
You were tired in the last episode.
PIPPIN
(yawning) But now I’m sleepy, too! I’m so sleepy this rough old willow tree
trunk actually looks comfortable.
FRODO
Good idea, Pippin! Let’s all take a quick power nap. With a little rest, we’ll be strategically
placed to maximize our Trek-to-Quest ratio.
SAM
Since I don’t know what the heck you’re
talking about and Merry’s still out cold, I’ll stand guard.
(The others fall peacefully asleep and soon Sam, too, is dozing on his feet. Suddenly, the willow tree begins to move its twisted limbs.)
TREE
Call me old and rough, will you? I’m in my prime! Trees live longer these days, you know. Sure, my bark is rough, but my sap is
identical to that of a much younger tree.
Chlorophyll supplements, that’s the secret. And exercise — think I’ll do a little
workout, right NOW!
(The
tree reaches down, grabs Frodo, and throws him into the river. Sam, suddenly awake, runs toward his friends,
but he’s too late! Merry and Pippin have
disappeared under the tree’s thick, gnarled roots. Sam pounds on the tree trunk, but the willow
has returned to its inanimate state.)
SAM
Mr. Frodo! Are you all right?
FRODO
Gurgle … blumfphul.
(He
struggles in the water as Sam watches.)
Helllllllp, you idiot!
SAM
Oh my … sorry … grab onto this stick!
(Using
a large stick, Sam hooks Frodo by the collar of his Armani camouflage
overcoat. With a mighty heave, he pulls
his friend and supervisor out of the river, tossing him onto the knobby roots
of the willow tree.)
FRODO
(breathlessly) Sam … sorry I called you an idiot … saw my
life flashing before my eyes … forgot all about my diversity training ….
SAM
Never mind that! We’ve got to rescue Merry and Pippin! If we could only find an axe or a hatchet … Merry! Pippin!
Can you hear me? Are you all
right?
FRODO
Hey!
I’ve got my Swiss Army Corporate Survival Knife! There must be some feature we can use. Let’s see:
wine opener, table setting, spy cam, digital recorder, rearview mirror,
business cards, baseball tickets, cell phone … cell phone! At least we can find out whether they’re
still alive.
(He
flips open the tiny communicator.)
SAM
No, Mr. Frodo. NO! If you use that thing, you’ll become visible
to The Dark Side!
FRODO
You’re in the wrong movie, Sam. I gotta tell you, in a crisis you tend to
lose focus. We’ll need to strategize a
development plan when I do your eval next month.
SAM
If we live that long. Come on, we’ve got to get help.
(Sam
and Frodo run into the forest, calling out for help. They hear singing in the distance and hide
behind a tree, watching nervously as a nattily-dressed stranger draws near.)
TOM
Ho Tom Bombadil, he wears a fine suit
He scours the forest for low-hanging
fruit
Consulting’s his game, he’s
incentivized to win
If you’ve got enough money, your
pipeline he’ll stim-
-ulate so Hey Tom Bombadil!
Ho Tom Bombadil!
Retain Tom Bombadil today-hey-hey!
(Tom
walks directly to the tree and looks kindly at
the cowering Hobbits.)
Do you fellas need assistance?
FRODO
Tell us where to find that Tom
Bombadil you were singing about. Our friends
are in trouble. We need an expert to
step up to the plate and hit a home run — and fast. We’ll pay top dollar ….
TOM
You want to hire Tom? Why, Tom is right in front of you. Can’t you tell by his magnificent suit? Hey ho, is that an Armani overcoat? Tom can see it’s not waterproof. Tom’s afraid you’re wearing a cheap knockoff.
FRODO
We don’t have time for this 3rd person
crapola. If you want our business, you’ll
have to talk normally.
TOM
You forget, Tom is a consultant. (Sighs)
Oh, all right. What do you need?
SAM
We need a magic jingle to release our
friends from the willow tree’s clutches.
You gotta work fast, before they’re turned into compost!
TOM
Well, I’m an ad man from way back;
jingles are my specialty. I may be able
to help you … for the right price. What
about that Swiss Army Corporate Survival Knife?
Assuming it’s not a cheap imitation, of course.
FRODO
I can’t give you that. We need it to survive … what do you mean,
cheap imitation? I bought it on eBay.
TOM
Is that where you got your genu-wine
Armani? Nope, Tom wants the knife, or no
jingle.
Will Frodo give up his precious knife
to save his friends? Even if he does,
how do we know Tom’s jingle will work?
What if Tom is a spy from a rival corporation? Can Frodo sue Tom if the
jingle is a dud? And is Sam in the right
movie? Stay tuned!
~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
THE SCENE OPENS in the Old Olympic
National Forest, where Sam and Frodo (minus his overcoat but not his Swiss Army
Corporate Survival Knife) stand in front of the nasty willow tree beside the
Withyswindle River. Tom Bombadil,
claiming an important appointment in the next county, has disappeared faster
than food at a department meeting.
FRODO
OK, here we go. This magic jingle better work, or I’ll
downsize Tom Bombadil within an inch of his life. I’ll run him up the flagpole and make sure no
one salutes him. I’ll ….
SAM
Will you just get on with it, before
Merry and Pippin end up with Dutch Elm Disease?
FRODO
You’ve got the wrong tree, Sam. Besides, we had a Dutch Elm Run for the Cure
last year — no such disease any more.
Don’t you read the emails from HQ?
Those Sackville-Bagginses won a trip to the Bahamas for raising the most
moolah, but they cheated. I was never
able to prove it, though.
SAM
Give me that.
(Grabs
piece of paper out of Frodo’s hands. Reads
aloud.)
We’re on track and that’s no bull
‘Cause our coffers are all full
In our space we’re Numero Uno
We eat yogurt with a spoon-o
What’s our mantra? We don’t know
But give us your portfo-li-o!
FRODO
Hey! That’s not a jingle. It’s an anthem. Wait just an orc-thumping minute … it’s … it’s
our company anthem! Tom Bombadil stole
our company anthem!
SAM
And sold it back to us for a fake
Armani overcoat.
FRODO
He did! That lying snake is a positive role model for
all corporate climbers. Sam, you could take a lesson from ol’ Tom. You can bet ol’ Tom knows his elm from his
willow. You can bet ol’ Tom knows what
movie he’s in.
SAM
Whatever. But how are we going to rescue Merry and
Pippin without a magic jingle?
FRODO
(Pounding
his fists on the willow tree)
Let them go, you nasty tree! I’ll turn
you into a weeping willow, by my second breakfast I will! Merry! Pippin!
(The
distraught Hobbits don’t notice the approach of two mysterious strangers until
it’s too late to flee! Sam bravely
stands between the strangers and Frodo.)
SAM
Identify yourselves, strangers, before
you take another step, or you’ll feel the sting of my master’s Swiss Army
Corporate Survival Knife!
ARAGORN
Put up your weapon, noble
warrior! I am Aragorn of Madison Avenue,
of the race of Mad Men. My companion is
Gimli the Dwarf, Vice President of Hacking and Tunneling for the Pacific
Western Region. We are wandering these forests as part of our annual Awareness
and Sensitivity Training. How can we
assist you today?
FRODO
(Peeking out from behind Sam) There aren’t any dwarves in the Pacific
Region! The Sasquatch tribe ate them
all, long ago!
GIMLI
The Sasquatch are our loyal servants,
little one! But that is a tale for
another time. How can we minimize your
distress?
SAM
Our friends, Merry and Pippin, are
trapped under the roots of this willow tree. We need a magic jingle to release
them. Tom Bombadil stole our company anthem and left us without a jingle!
ARAGORN
Ah, yes, Tom Bombadil. Beware the
unaffiliated traveling consultant, my small friend.
FRODO
Stop calling us “little” and “small!” We’re “differently heighted!”
SAM
Actually, we’re Hobbits. Can you help
us?
GIMLI
I have a jingle that just might suit
the occasion.
Heigh ho, heigh ho,
You’d better let them go!
If you don’t relax
You’ll feel my axe!
Heigh ho, heigh ho!
(As if
on cue, the nasty willow relaxes its roots and out fly Merry and Pippin,
smelling a bit earthy but none the worse for wear.
No comments:
Post a Comment