The King Sorts It

 

          Well now, Ralph’s mind was usually occupied with weighty matters as he moved soundlessly about the great green forest.  He wasn’t the world’s greatest observer.  That’s just the truth. He had staff for that.

          But he had begun to notice an odd thing. He’d be strolling along, and he’d see a flash of long blond hair. Just a flash and then nothing. Gone. Or, way down the path a slender figure would appear briefly.

          Then, one day he went to conduct some important business at his log/office, and someone was already there.  And she was sitting on his log! All blond, 6’4” and nubile Squatch of her was sitting there like she had every intention of staying. “Hm,” thought Ralph. “I’m not sure this kid is old enough to be wandering around the forest alone.”

          “Hey, kiddo, what’s up,” inquired Ralph in an avuncular manner. He had a sense of his morning getting more complicated. Ralph didn’t really like complication and many moving parts.

          “Are you Ralph?” said she. “I’m looking for Ralph.”

          “Well, sure, sweetie, you found my log, didn’t ya?” answered himself. “You need some kinda help?  Where’s your mama?”

          “My mama?! I’m no kid! My mama is way down south,” said the kid. “My name is Candy. You can call me Candy, Ralph! I came all this way up to see you!”

          He could see that this conversation had all kinds of loose ends, and possible complications, so he decided to go home for lunch. He thought that maybe if she was still hanging around after lunch, he would be able to sort her out better with a full stomach. So, he turned and headed for home without another word.

          “Hey, where’re ya goin’ Ralph?” Candy hopped down from the log and followed him down the path. “Can I come too?”

          Then Ralph had one of those ideas that prove he is a leader above all  his peers, that he deserves the respect he receives. It suddenly seemed like maybe Ramona could deal with this kid.  He would take her home for lunch and leave her with Ramona!  Brilliant. Problem solved!

          “Sure, Candy. Come on, I’m going home for lunch!” grinned Ralph. She skipped along beside him with her long blond curls bouncing as they walked. It wasn’t a far walk, as you know, from the office/log to the cave and the stone circle in the home clearing.

          And there was Ramona, busy at the fire.  She had made a kind of shish-ka-bobs out of squabs and onions stuck on long green sapling branches.  They were heavily herbed, soaked in olive oil, stuffed full of garlic and starting to smell really good! She stood up, hands on hips when she heard footsteps approaching.  Of course, she was only expecting one, not two, for lunch.

          Sometimes Ralph was really happy that Thaga had been teaching Ramona to cook Neanderthal style.  It beat the pants off of raw rabbit and such.

          “Hey, baby!  Ramona, look who I found out by my log!” called Ralph. “This kid here says her name is Candy. I think she’s hungry!” They pulled up together by the fire, smelling the good food.

          “Candy, this is Ramona, queen of the Baker National Forest!” said Ralph happily and with a great deal of relief. He winked broadly at Ramona, who is pretty good at getting the message.

          Ramona and Candy sized each other up.  After a long moment, Candy looked down first. Candy even looked a little less shiny and blond, maybe even a bit shorter after the meeting.

          “Oh, I always cook a lot just in case, Candy.  Have a seat,” said Ramona smiling in a motherly sort of way. “You’ll have to meet Twigg, our son, he’s running around here somewhere.”

          “Thanks Ramona, but my name’s really Constance. My mama lives in Index, and she named me Constance,” said Constance, nee Candy. “I never thought Constance sounded glamorous enough! That smells good, really good, and I am hungry.” She really did just look like a big kid then.

          So, after a rather large lunch, Ralph slipped silently out of center stage, leaving Constance and Ramona chatting together on one of the fire circle logs. Constance met and admired Twigg for the fine fellow he was getting to be.  And Ramona promised to teach Constance how to do some basic cooking if she wanted, next time she came to visit.  Ramona said to be sure and come early so they would have enough time to do some serious cooking.

    So, you can see why Ralph is the king of Snohomish County.  He's just that good!