Catastrophically Speaking

 

Ever Watchful, Toots!

Suzy Q, thinking it over..

         Suzy Q is lying quiescently on the back porch floor in a square of strong sunlight. She looks like nothing is going on in that little orange and grey head. But not so. An inquiry is going out….

Suzy: “Is it safe to talk there?”
Toots: “I think so. Maybe!” She looks sharply around, gauging the local threat level.
S.: “Well. It’s quiet here. She’s ratting around the internet. He’s got his nose stuck in some boring book. I will never understand…”
T.: “I don’t know what he’s doing here, maybe cooking something. Burritos. Every darn day nearly.” (Cats don’t dig burritos.)
S.: “You know that Uncle Bob? Funny dude. How did you get online with him Toots?”
T.: “Mrrp. Mm? I was looking out the shop window, as I have to do for safety reasons, and there was something going on out there. He can’t see what I can see, so I must do the looking. All night sometimes Suzy.”
S.: “I can’t figure out what they see anyhow, if anything! Oh, here comes Willie. I’ll just act like I’m totally asleep.”
Willie sniffs her ears, gives her a weird look and leaves the area.
T.: “What happened was this forest guy, a fat hairy one, kinda stupid, was out there trying to catch coyotes. He ran into the garbage can, so I knew he was out there. I said, ‘hey stupid,’ and he was so stupid he answered me.”
S.: “What’d he say?”
T.: “He said, ‘I know yer in there cat.  Whatcha scared of?’”
S.: “What’d you say? By the way, Toots, do you have any idea what boom time is?”
T.: “Oh please! I said, ‘I’m scared of you! You probably eat cats!’”
S.: “Oh, (some rude cat noises here) how horrible, oh Toots! What did you say then?”
T.: “Well, the hairy guy said his name was Uncle Bob, he said it isn’t really, but everyone calls him that just for fun.  He said his name is Maury really. He said he doesn’t even like to eat cats. We taste funny. He said we taste funny Suzy!”
S.: “Oh, I think anyone would be better off being called Uncle Bob! Oh, by the way, how would he know we taste funny?”
T.: “He knew about you Suzy! So creepy! Yeah, how does he know that?”
S.: “I don’t understand any of it.”
T.: “Let’s see if this makes sense. Uncle Bob, Maury, said that the connection is Ralph, his bestest ol’ buddy, bosom friend, etc, etc. Ralph’s reach is far and uncanny. Any creature that knows him is connected to all the other creatures he knows, if only they knew it!  Got that Suzy?”
S.: “I dunno Toots. I feel a little sick. Excuse me. Hairball time. Ew. Ack! Anyhow, so that’s why he popped up in my noggin?”
T.: “I guess that’s about it, yeah. He thought it would be kind to tell you that he, they, don’t eat cats.”
S.: “I guess that was nice of him.  Good old Uncle Bob!”
T.: “I still need to keep a lookout though. You never know who goes there and all Suzy.”
Toots tucks her paws up under her body, meatloaf style, gazing, always gazing out of the shop window.
Suzy rolls over, yawns, and goes to sleep for real.