Ostensibly About Not Smoking

 But, what it's really about is the small moving spot light of my attention to what I am doing.  Life in the interface between was and will be.

I have smoked a lot in the last decades, starting at around 18 I think. The high school with ash trays, as the Jr. College was called, made it all too easy.  All the common areas were full of ash trays.  

(found an old photo of the place!)

I also spent years not smoking.  I didn't smoke when  pregnant or with small babies around.  

Why did I do it.  It is a great piece of dramatic staging.  It looks cool, if you think that way.  It shows attitude, done right.  I tried to remember to hold mine like a radical.  Little P, the desperate radical.  It is to laugh.

Later, up on the Res., I used to smoke a lot with my older Native lady friend.  That's what we did.  BS, smoke cigarettes and drink her nasty weak coffee!  Man, we had some heavy duty discussions.  

Getting to my point, I thought that it would be getting easier about now.  It's been maybe a week or so since I just in the middle of the day quit it.  Now, I am not an addict, I am a habitual smoker.  But actually, it was a little hard today, because I kept running into situations where I would normally have lit up and I had to just remember not to.  You understand that I never had my own.  I always asked for one from himself.  So, they are always just as available as usual, but my attention must be on what I am doing. I have to remember not to smoke.  My little spot light must stay on.

See, it's that attitude thing.  Now all I can do is raise an eyebrow, or something!

Do I miss it?  A bit.  Not a lot. Another thing about paying attention: it seems to me that once in a while, if I am staying aware, that God sends around special opportunities to empower a person to do what needs to be done. Anybody else sense that? A special window?  I saw one and figured I better hop right in.

As per usual, I would love to hear your stories about smoking or anything!