Fathering, A Love Letter To And From

 

His first meeting with his daughter.

It would be a strange woman indeed who did not acknowledge her own child. How could she avoid it? It is pretty much as it is. If she has given birth, then she is a mother. She may be a good, middling, or poor mother, but she is a mother.

I have been thinking of what the essence of fathering could be. Not the biological aspect, because I contend that it is not of the absolute essence. All of time is full of fathers who were not the biological father of the child. It doesn’t really matter in the end whether he knows it or not.

It seems to me that claiming the child as his own is the first step. In our story when Jen, having just given birth, asks Doug “what is your son's name,” and he gulps and names the child, the deal is sealed. He has claimed his child.

Now, most of the time this claiming or accepting of the child never rises to conscious consideration. But I believe it is essential for what follows.

What follows are many years of oversight, mentoring and protection and provision. Mothers do those things too, especially single mothers, but it is the father’s role in my opinion. To get more into it, his oversight also covers and protects the mother’s role with the child. I realize that sounds old fashioned as heck. Sorry, man haters. (None of you good people.)

To generalize, many men have fathered in other roles such as teacher, grandfather, uncle, coach sometimes, friend or even doctor or pastor, and sometimes an employer. I think that in these less direct roles men also claim a child and take some responsibility for him or her, maybe in a more symbolic way.

Men have even fathered projects or businesses, or some say, countries! 

This is just a note of appreciation for the mighty and essential work of men in the world. I mean in addition to all of their other works. To imagine a culture without this is to envisage chaos and downfall.

The state is no father.

The preceding is dedicated to my old man. I did not understand him or what motivated him until much later.