An Absolutely True Tale From The B.N.F.

 

         “You know what the best thing about being me is Geoff?” asked Ralph. “I mean besides being the king of Snohomish County?”

          “Um, no, Ralph,” said the doctor, looking really comfortable, with a Rainier in one hand and a Cuban cigar in the other.

          “I’m not tied to a clock!  Simple as that.  I eat when Ramona makes something to eat, I sleep when I’m sleepy, I hold court with the locals whenever the need arises.  I play with my kid any time I want to. He knows me as well as he knows his mother!” said Ralph. “Beat that!”

          “So, what do you do Geoff, when you’re not out in the woods?”

          “I’m head of a department at a college in the west, I teach classes,” said Geoff. “I am tied to a clock. Every thing I do must happen on schedule or it all blows up. That’s because there are so many of us.  We have to be coordinated. First world issues.

          “When you say you’re the king out here, what does that mean? Do you make the rules?  Everybody has to obey you?” asked the doctor. He seemed to be taking a serious interest in the manner of organization of the BNF.

          “Nah! It’s just so somebody is available to make a decision if one has to be made. It’s mostly just fun. We have parties and stuff. I cut the cake, stuff like that. I judge contests. Of course, I am the Forest Keeper too. It's hard to explain to the Hairless.

          “Hey, let’s go see Ramona! I’m getting hungry. I bet you are too,” Ralph hopped down off the log and stretched.  The light had changed. The day was getting old. Shadows had lengthened. Crows were flying to their nighttime roosts, calling high overhead. It had cooled down some.

          “Sure, sounds good,” said Geoff, hopping down to the ground also. He felt so small next to Ralph, but it was all good. Ralph had a way of making him feel alright about everything. It was like a kind of force field or an emanation around his body. It was just a happy place to be.

          It was just a short walk from the great log, down the narrow path to the home clearing in the firs. As they came into the open, he saw first of all a cleared area, then a circle of stones enclosing a cooking fire, surrounded by four logs placed there for seating. Beyond the fire he saw a stone cliff face with a rather homespun looking door, painted dull green set into it. He figured that must be the entrance to the cave where Ralph and family slept. Except for sleeping or really bad weather, Ralph had told him that they mostly lived outdoors.

          The green door opened and out stepped a figure who had to be Ramona. She was about 6’2”, a big girl to be sure, but sweet looking around her blue eyes.  Blue eyes are unusual in Squatches, but she had them. She was covered in wavy Auburn hair. The long hair on her head was pulled up into a ponytail. She observed the stranger with a little smile on her face, standing with her right hand on her hip. She only stopped for a minute, then went back to tending her fire and cooking equipment.

          “Hey, hey Mona, look who I found,” said Ralph in a happy rumble. “This guy is a college professor named Geoff! We came to see what you’re cooking! Geoff, this is Ramona, the brains behind the throne.”

          “Oh, hello Geoff! Happy to meet you! We don’t get many professors out here.  Pull up a log, and have a seat!” said she. “It’s a good thing I cooked all those fish! There were only six of them!

          “We like salmon,” said Ramona. “I sure hope you do too, Geoff.”

          Though he was overawed, he managed to admit that he liked salmon very well. Now that he thought of it, he realized that he was getting quite hungry. While they were waiting for the fish to finish, Twigg appeared, and Ralph introduced him to Dr. Geoff. Twigg demonstrated his disappearing and reappearing skills, to Geoff's honest amazement.  Berry and Bob, the puma cubs, sat near Twigg and watched his every move with their shining golden eyes.

          They each had a small roasted salmon laid on a thin little slice of fir wood instead of a plate.  Ralph had two salmon and the puma brothers were given the last fish to share between themselves. They all ate with their fingers. Ramona made mint tea which went very well after the fish. Then she passed around a bowl of hot water to wash fingers in, and then she passed a bowl of wild strawberries.

          The sun went down. The moon was just visible through the trees. Twigg went to bed in the cave, then Ramona went in to bed also, after tidying up a bit around the fire. She whispered, “goodnight Geoff, don’t forget us now,” as she left the fire.

          “It’s time, doctor,” said Ralph, in the fading light from the fire which had burnt down to coals. “Let’s dance you home. Well, I guess it’s more of a march really..”

          “I will sing and walk backwards around the fire circle. You do just like I do, follow me backwards.”

          Ralph began to trundle majestically backward step by step around the fire circle, singing in a kind of falsetto something that sounded very much like the The Tumbling Tumbleweeds. Geoff couldn’t be sure afterwards if that really was the tune he had heard Ralph singing.  He was getting a bit drowsy, but he followed Ralph walking backwards while in front of the man himself. Around and around, they went. Maybe it was only about five or six times.

          The doctor felt a kind of shudder and a sharp jerk and was suddenly much more awake.  He found that he was walking on a wooden floor towards an oaken office chair, under one bright overhead light. He sat down on the chair.

          He examined his own memories. He remembered Ramona’s whispered goodnight. He felt something in his shirt breast pocket. It was the stub of a Cuban cigar. He stood up then and walked off stage and passed out of the theater's side door.  The city streets were dark, but more intimate than foreboding. His heart was light. He knew he would keep that cigar stub for all of his days.

          The professor had some writing to do.