As Told By Himself

 

            Everybody thinks I am a big joker, and I guess that’s true. Maybe that’s why I allowed this thing to happen. It’s my own fault and I had to repair the damage myself too!
            Of course, I knew they were coming. It’s well nigh impossible to sneak up on me, or any of us, for that matter when the matter concerns ourselves. The reason we are so good at staying out of sight is simply that we know when someone is coming who is bound and determined to find us. We have that advantage.
            I knew before Maeve arrived in a great flurry of excited wing flaps and raven gurgles.
            “Boss! Boss!,” she said, “They’re parked down by the Ranger Station in some kind of square van thing!” She took a breath there and started again. “I know what they’re up to! I saw all the junk they brought with themselves. Those are BigFoot Researchers, Boss! I’ve seen the type on Millicent’s computer!” She forgets that I can read who’s coming before they even get here.
            So, I told her that I knew, and I wasn’t very worried about those two knuckleheads. They were so typical. So average. So boring. Maybe I just wanted to wake them up a little. At first anyhow.      
            Mitch was a retired Community College Anthropology professor, the wise elder. Plaid long sleeved shirt, Carhartt vest, jeans cut for the portly gentleman, and a nice white beard. Think Colonel Sanders.
           His side kick was Robby, the boy wonder I should say. 17 years old, still in high school, and full of epic, stunning notions about, ta da!, us. BigFoot as he would put it. He was so white, so slight, so nerdy as to be almost invisible. He could hide in a crowd.
            The urge to educate was heavy upon my soul I tell you! So, I told my whole scene to just stay cool in the Home Clearing for the day and evening. That I had some business to take care of. Did I ever mention that there are members of my whole scene who go their own way from time to time? Yeah. That.
            “I’m just going to let it roll and see what happens,” I told Maeve.
            Ever see a raven roll her eyes? Lol!
            Mitch parked the old Land Cruiser by the dumpster at the perimeter of the parking lot and those two heroes dismounted and started loading up with BigFoot finding equipment. Robby acted as the native bearer carrying the bulk of the load.
            “Hey, Mitch,” Robby said, “Here’s the path.”
            Here they came!
            My heart leapt up! I was nearly sorry for them! They were so funny and dumb. A true derp safari!
            “Give me the camera, Robby,” said Mitch. “You man the recorder, in case we don’t see anything, but there are sounds!”
            Robby fished out Mitch’s camera and handed it over, then he pulled out the recorder. Mercifully, it was daytime, so they didn’t get the heat sensor doohickey out too.
            Just about then my whole picture of what might happen skewed way out of control. Apparently Cherry and Blue had given Ramona the slip.
            Mitch was just telling Robby to stay close behind when Cherry drifted by in the air above their heads. A vision in platinum curls. Both of them saw her and began yelling and trying to get the camera on her, in Mitch’s case, and Robby pointed his mic wildly up in the air. By that time Cherry had vanished into the trees. She was giggling too.
            “Did you see that? Was it real?” yelped Robby.
            “It had to be real. We both saw it!” bellowed Mitch, in his loudest classroom voice.
            Next Blue came barreling down the path straight at the boys. He was grinning wolfishly, ahem, and just kind of snagged Robby’s jeans as he ran by.
            “Wolf!” screamed Robby and dropped the recording machine.
            Blue loped back around them and took off for the Home Clearing. I guess his work here was done.
            “If you’re going to keep screaming and dropping things we’ll  have to just go home,” said Mitch, but he looked pretty wild eyed himself.
            Yes, I saw all of this, but they didn’t see me, naturally.
            “Let’s keep going,” said Mitch to Robby. They did.
            Things were going fine. The safari traveled more deeply into the forest. You know how those trails kind of avoid the Home Clearing? Not that they could have seen it anyhow.
            Cherry and Blue must have reported their escapade to Bob and Berry, who naturally didn’t want to be left out of the fun.
            They did that thing where they walk together with their tails swinging in tandem. They paced in their finest style right up to Mitch and Robby. You’d think any fool could see they didn’t intend to kill anyone. They were showing off!
            Both of them were grinning and nearly purring.
            I was afraid Mitch would have a heart attack. I was afraid Robby would faint dead away.
            I realized that I was going to have to call a halt to this whole expedition before anyone harmed themselves.
            I appeared before Mitch and Robby, just to get their attention off of Bob and Berry for a minute. This worked well.
            “Oof,” said Mitch.
            “I knew it!” whispered Robby with his eyes like the proverbial saucers.
            “Attention, Guys,” I said. “I can fix this whole thing for you. All you need to do is listen.” Bob and Berry stuck around to see what was next.
            What could I do dear listeners? I sang them a song. They sat on their behinds on the forest trail and listened like good boys.
            The song was called “You Saw Nothing and Now You’re Very Hungry.”
            As the cats and I were heading on home, I decided to talk to Cherry mainly, about how jokes can get out of hand. Like mine had, of course.
            I heard Mitch telling Robby to pack up.
            “There’s nothing going on out here, Robby. And I’m very hungry for some reason,” said Mitch.
            “Me too, Mitch,” agreed Robby. “How about pizza?”

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