How to Meow in Yiddish: You'll Rot Your Teeth Out, Kid

Tuesday, October 31, 2023

You'll Rot Your Teeth Out, Kid - Halloween Edition

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I was never much on Halloween dress-up, especially after elementary school, and definitely not in adulthood. That stuff's for kids. However, there was that one last time in college. Oh, boy! And I have to say it was an epic party for the ages. I wish I had photos, but then again, maybe not!

We students in the anthropology department were a close-knit group, and a few of us lived in the same apartment complex near campus. Our favorite professor, Dr. K., was a former WWII Navy sailor who had entered academia after being discharged from the service. Sometime after becoming a full-fledged archaeologist, Dr. K. joined the 60's counterculture movement and became one of the first hippified university professors of his generation. He's right at the top of the list of best teachers I ever had, and easy-going though he was, in the classroom, Dr. K. was very demanding and expected his students to know the subject matter. His test questions were complex and always had to be answered in written, essay-style, and we were often required to give oral presentations to the class as well. Where does that happen nowadays?

Anyway, one Halloween, Dr. K. and his wife decided to throw a big costume party for everyone in the anthropology department. He was divorced from his first wife, the mother of his kids, and remarried to a younger chick, not much older than us students, who worked as a teaching and research assistant in the department. They lived in an old, two-story house in the same neighborhood and went all out with the decorating that year. There were black lights everywhere, jack-o'-lanterns, dry ice-boiling punch cauldrons, skulls, spiders and webs, bats, skeletons, orange and black streamers, spooky tablescapes, and a variety of other creepy things, as you might imagine. I never drank any beverage at Dr. K.'s house unless I opened the can or bottle myself. He was known to spike drinks with any number of substances, and well, being in the anthropology business, he naturally got a kick out of studying people and watching their reactions... lol.

Alyson, my next-door neighbor at the apartment and also a classmate, was into sewing, and she wanted to make costumes for me and another student friend of ours who lived there. What you need to know about Alyson is that she was a big, fun-loving, hefty female (think Mama Cass level) and also an unabashed, flaming lesbian who could probably kick your ass if she were of a mind to. She was already a trip, so she pretty much decided to go as herself to the party, —all butch with short purple hair, black make-up, and decked out in black leather, silver-studded dominatrix attire. Alyson thought our classmate friend, Jim, who was blind, should go as a bat, as in "blind as a bat." So the poor guy got to wear black tights and sweatshirt with big black bat wings attached, a little black cap with pointy ears, and black makeup and whiskers. The funny thing is, Jim's always been a good sport, and you can dress a blind guy however you want, and he really doesn't give a hoot!

Since I was going to be Alyson's "escort" to the party...... wait for it....... I had the honor of being dolled up like the Little Dutch Boy because, in her twisted Halloween imagination, she wanted me to play the role of "the little boy with his finger in the dyke." 🥺 I guess it worked, because I did look rather smallish standing next to that formidable dyke with her whip! My costume consisted of a blonde wig, a little black cap, black neckerchief, double-breasted wool shirt with big buttons, knee pants with suspenders, white, silk-type socks, brown slippers made to look like wooden shoes, and red cheeks painted on my face. Honestly though, I kept my hands to myself!

We had a blast. It was a college party after all. The weather was typical West Texas autumn, —cool, clear, and crisp, and the atmosphere was loud and raucous, rock-n-roll, and smoky. Word got around, and soon the place was filled with students from other departments. The event spilled out into the front and back yards with people dancing, getting wasted, and us being entertained by the uninitiated students who were getting really wasted and doing stupid stuff, until the snacks and punch were gone and the kegs were floating. And then, in the wee hours, when only a handful of survivors remained, there was the all-night, stoned, sharing and impartation of great philosophy and wisdom between the professor and his favorite students in the living room... lol, you know, until sunrise, when everyone finally stumbled home to crash. We had just about as much fun the following afternoon, returning for hair of the dog while helping Dr. K. and his wife clean up and restore their home and yards. Life was good... still is, but without any more silly Halloween dress-up or crazy parties!