Baker Lake, Panorama Point Campground.
It was a Tuesday noontime in the Mt. Baker-Snoqualmie
National Forest, and Ranger Rick was darn sleepy. He was so drowsy that he thought
he might run off the road if he drove around the forest. So he decided to
have lunch in his station office at his desk.
He heated up one of those soup cups in his microwave, or
nuker as he called it, and opened a new box of Triscuits and a new tub of port
wine cheese. Rick was a crackers, cheese, and soup guy. He didn’t have anyone
to make him a regular lunch.Spring was hitting hard this Tuesday. The light outside was blinding, if you came out of the shade. It was utterly silent in the office, even with door open and the screen door in place. He didn’t hear even a bird call. It was warm. His hat lay on his desk. He focused on it for a second. He yawned. His eyes closed and his sandy head went down on his arms on his desk.
A real ranger station, on location.
Rick had only been asleep for 15 minutes when his screen door opened and then slammed shut. The thing that was supposed to keep it from slamming was worn out, didn’t work. His head flew up. He went through that shaky thing where you wake up suddenly after too little sleep. He jumped up and ran to the door, looking out. No one was there!
He was still sleepy, so he settled back down at his desk for a bit more of a snooze.
It happened again. Creak! Bang!
“What the hell,” he muttered. He looked out the door again, with the same result.
He would have been more curious, but he was so sleepy. He went back to his desk and sat down on his swivel chair, swinging back and forth a few times. The creaky sound made him feel a little woozy. Sleepy Ranger Rick. Down went his head.
The third time was the last straw. He felt abused and misused. Somebody was messing with him. His nap was spoiled and so was his mood.
Now, Ranger Rick knew a couple of things that he didn’t talk about to forest visitors or other rangers. He knew just about who might be able to slam a door and then just vanish like a ghost. He also knew that Ralph had a son who was getting to be big enough to want to pull pranks. His eyes narrowed. Yeah.
“I want to talk to Ralph,” he told himself. But he didn’t know exactly where Ralph could be found. He’d never figured that out. So, he jumped into his SUV and drove around to the parking lot provided for visitors, which was totally empty of cars. He pointed his vehicle toward the deep forest and laid on the horn. He honked for a good five minutes. He thought that might get Ralph’s attention.
It did. Eventually.
Ramona heard it first. She thought it might be an emergency of some kind, so she strode up the path to Ralph’s log, where he was chatting with Maeve about this and that and so on. Ralph was a little surprised to see Ramona there. She usually didn’t come to the log. Usually he came to her.
“Mona! Baby!” sang Ralph. “What brings you to my domain?”
“I’m not sure,” she said. “Don’t you hear all that honking down at the parking lot? I wonder if something is wrong down there.”
“Yeah. I heard it. Didn’t give it a thought. I’ll go see,” said Ralph. He took off immediately, with Maeve along for the ride.
What greeted him when he got there was a steamed up Ranger Rick sitting in his vehicle, punching the horn button once in a while.
“You rang?” said Ralph. Maeve giggled but stuck around to see what was up.
“Yeah, I rang,” said Rick. “Thanks for noticing.”
“Oh, Ramona noticed. When she noticed, I had to notice too. What’s the problem, my honking friend,” said Ralph.
“I think it might be your kid! Who else could slam my screen door and wake me up when I was napping, and then vanish? I ask you?” fumed Rick. “Three times,” he added.
“Well now, that is a logical possibility. I grant you that. But it didn’t happen. I didn’t do it either in case your mind wanders to that scenario! I’ll tell you why Twigg didn’t do it,” said Ralph.
“How in hell would you know, Ralph?” said Rick.
“Number one, he doesn’t come up here to the lot. Number two, I know where he is all the time. The guy has other fish to fry, believe me!’ said Ralph, with a wry little laugh.
“OK, but somebody who could do that, did do that! I consider this to be in your area of responsibility, Ralph. Cryptid teenagers, spooks and funny lights are your bailiwick, Ralph old buddy!” said Rick. I want you to catch whatever critter likes my screen door so much and make it stop!”
“I’ll see what I can do, Rick. You can stop honking now,” said Ralph.
“Oh. Yeah,” said Ranger Rick, surprised to see that he had been continuing to honk.
Rick drove back to his office, and Ralph drifted back into the trees, with Maeve still on his shoulder.
“I know who they are,” said Maeve. “I saw them.”
“Well,” said Ralph.
“It’s a couple of wild forest boys from way up north. They just got here yesterday. You’ll have to put a hamper on those two, or they’ll make too much noise. And you don’t want that,” she added.
“I was beginning to get that feeling,” said Ralph. “Point me at em, Black Leg!”
As it turned out, the two wild and crazy guys had set up camp near the Gifting Stump in the meadow. They were using it for a temporary headquarters. Ralph was instantly alarmed. You know of course that Ralph already knew that Twigg had been meeting Marge there and they had been chatting and having a nice little friendship there.
He didn’t need to say anything to Twigg about it because he knew Twigg. But this was different. These guys weren’t Twigg in any sense of the word. They were as feral as they could be, and even if they didn’t hurt Marge physically, he didn’t want them to contact her at all.
When Ralph pulled up on them, they were asleep in the shade of Twigg and Marge’s stump. There were cookie wrappers torn up all over the ground around them and empty Coke bottles too. Apparently they had gotten to Marge’s latest surprise for Twigg before he did.
They weren’t very big. Not even as big as Twigg. They were patchy and seedy looking too. They possessed bodily vermin. They were grayish, with pale faces.
“Nasty,” whispered Maeve.
Ralph cleared his throat. He waited. No. 1 woke and looked way up at Ralph. He emitted a high keening shriek, which woke up No.2, who tried to crawl away on his hands and knees.
Ralph rumbled as if a mountain had just uttered! Both 1 and 2 froze. He was four times either one of their size. They had just enough sense to know when they were had.
He didn’t believe they had speech, yet. But he decided to speak to them anyhow, knowing that they would get the sense of it, if not the words exactly.
Ralph crouched down to their level, where they sprawled in the grass and wrapper mess.
He just looked at them, one then the other, until they began to squirm and cry a little.
“Hey, guys. I am the boss around here. Hear me!” he tried that on them. They got it alright. There was a lot of nodding going on.
“Here’s what I want you to do. Go back to your families up north. Stay there. Grow up. Learn to choose. If a thing damages another, that is evil. You will not do evil! I forbid it.
“If you can add to another’s happiness, do that. When you can do this you are welcome to come back. You get that?” said Ralph. “When you get that down, we’ll have a great time. Now go home! And take a bath! Comb your hair! Lose the bugs!”
No. 1 and No. 2 rose to their scrawny feet and headed off to the north with Maeve flying overhead just to make sure for a few miles.
Ralph picked up the torn wrappers and the empty Coke bottles. Before he went back to the Home Clearing he dropped the trash off in the dumpster at the same parking lot. He didn’t want Twigg or Marge to see the mess.
When Maeve came back to report Ralph was at home.
“I think they got the message, Boss,” she told him.
Ralph nodded. “I sure hope so, Maeve.”
“You know, you’ll probably end up teaching them to talk and giving them names,” said Maeve.
“Yep! I bet that happens,” and Ralph laughed.
💚