As we were rolling down 530 yesterday,
somewhere between Arlington and Darrington, I was reminded of the time Ralph
decided to hitchhike into Darrington to go to a grocery store, just like
anybody, because Ramona wanted some vinegar.
“Apple cider vinegar,” she had said.
Why did she want vinegar? It’s hard
to say. Maybe she was interested in pickling. That could be Thaga’s fault. Maybe
she was interested in salad tossing, or vinegar based BBQ sauce, such as they
make in North Carolina. (I have the authentic recipe given to me by a man of NC years ago!)
Why didn’t Thaga just give Ramona
some vinegar? She must have used hers all up I bet.
In any case, Ralph decided to take
his rolls of quarters, which he had won arm wrestling with Ranger Rick, and go
to town and buy the girl a gallon of this special liquid, which her heart
desired.
Ralph decided to try his hand at catching
a ride down on 530. Others do it, he thought, why not me? There has to be one
broadminded person on the road today.
Why didn’t he take a portal ride
down to town any intelligent person would wonder? I will refer you to THIS.
There was some maintenance needed in the portal system.
Besides, Ralph likes to try things.
So, he walked down to the highway
and stuck his thumb out, being careful to be headed in the right direction. Rather
a lot of cars passed him by. Even some large trucks! Some of them went clear
into the other lane to stay way away. Maybe they thought hirsutism was
contagious? Or…? Who knows.
But finally an old lady with rather
bad eyesight, Sylvia Phillips, in fact, did stop. She was driving a step van
full of eggs. She probably just thought Ralph was an Armenian student from the
community college in Milltown out for a day of hitchhiking in the country.
Even though Sylvia had neglected to
marry and all that, she was full of advice and nosy questions. She herself had
never been in charge of anything but chickens, but she still felt she had a lot to offer in the way of useful recommendations. She wanted to know all about how many children he had and if his wife
was a blond or a brunette. Lucky for Ralph, he was the dad, so he didn’t get
quizzed about his labors!
They had plenty of time to talk on
the road, which is always much longer than your raconteur remembers it to be! Sylvia
had lots of advice for Ralph, such as, always do exactly what Ramona wants you
to do. Ralph thought this was pretty funny as he pretty much always did what
Ramona wanted. Ramona also did pretty much everything Ralph wanted. You know
how it is?
They had a little picnic in the van
as they traveled along. Sylvia had some
of those overly flavored chunky pretzels and liverwurst. This was going down fine,
but pretzels and liverwurst are dry work, and they got thirsty.
Sylvia had a sixpack of warm diet Cokes for drinks. That’s all. Now Ralph had never had a diet Coke in his life, or a
regular Coke for that matter. But weird as it is, diet Coke does have water in
it, it is wet and can be drunk in a pinch. He didn’t like it. It left a weird
taste in his mouth. But he didn’t tell Sylvia that.
In this version of the story Ralph
doesn’t ask to be let out of the van and give up on his mission. He stays true
to his decision. He let Sylvia drop him off at the small supermarket in
Darrington, which has a large sign on the front advertising smoked meat on the
weekend. A sensible person might wonder why only on weekends. I certainly
wondered when I saw it. Perhaps the smoker works in timber during the week,
because Darrington is for sure a timber town. Before the internet and such, it
was quite insular and rather full of Washington’s own version of hill people.
These people were not kidding! Ever. At all, if you were from downhill. That’s
what they called people from elsewhere. Downhill people. (This is true.)
How can a person such as Ralph just
walk into a supermarket and expect to make a purchase? Well, it depends on the
checker.
I think I implied that the citizens
of Darrington were tough? Yes. Well they didn’t wig out when they saw him in
the grocery aisles. They just looked at him funny. You know, how insular
peasant types all through history have always done. So it went okay.
He asked a stocker where there was a
gallon of organic apple cider vinegar, and the kid did that head twitch thing
in the direction of the vinegar. Ralph took the hint, got the bottle and headed
up to the nearest checker.
(Oh, another answer to a question
that should have been asked. He carried his rolls of quarters in a little cloth
cross body bag with a very long strap, made by Thaga.)
The first checker was a six foot
tall, 250 lb. strapping mother of loggers. She had birthed six of them and
raised them successfully to manhood.
No mere Wookie was going to put her
off.
A gallon of vinegar really only
costs about half of a roll of quarters, so he didn’t need to bring them all.
But he didn’t know that.
“Have a nice day,” said the checker,
Tisha. She got on the phone the minute Ralph cleared her area, to share the news,
right?
“Sure, thanks, you too,” said Ralph
heading out of the door with the precious bottle for his Ramona.
His ironclad bonhomie was a little
weary right about then. He just wanted to go home.
You know how sometimes the very best
thing that could happen does happen? Well, the very best thing that could have
happened did.
Ralph saw a big British green
Escalade roll into the parking lot. Oh glory! It was Milly, his buddy the lady
reporter!
He eased up to her driver’s side
window and tapped. She jumped a little but opened up and inquired as to what
the heck he was up to. He said he would tell her on the way back to his general
area if she would give him a ride.
She said, “sure, but let me run in
here for a minute, I want some of that smoked brisket they sell in here, okay?”
Ralph hopped in the passenger seat
and just closed his eyes. “What a day,” he thought. "But I got Ramona her
vinegar!"
It was enough vinegar to pickle a
few things and make a little NC BBQ sauce too…..
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