A Cautionary Tale for Cats

 

Never Stop Watching The Windows!

 

    S. “You were asleep all night just like nothing at all was going on!”

    W. “That’s because I’m not nuts, Suzy. Look at yourself. You look exhausted.”

    S. “If I could get out there, I’d know for sure what’s out there!”

    W. “That’s an awfully existential point of view for a small cat.”

    S. “What does that mean?”

    W. “That means it’s all conjecture. There is no way to know for sure what is out there at night unless you go out there.  They say that at night all cats are gray, but I say that at night all bumps could mean anything. If there were any bumps.”

    S. “Well, Camus, at around 2AM that light on the porch came on. Something was out there Willie.”

    W. “Skunks are nocturnal. Raccoon walks at night too! BOO!”

    S. “This isn’t funny!”

    W. “It’s the pinnacle of funny. You stayed up all night for the sake of a conjecture.”

    S. “Well, other cats, smart cats who also watch the windows at night know. They know something is going on out there. Something Big is Afoot!”

    W. “Who are these smart cats? How do you know about them?”

    S. “I just know. You would too if you weren’t such a fathead.”

    W. “Mousieface, Mousieface, have you a long tail?

       Yes cat, yes cat, you’re slower than a snail!”

    S. “Basket rhymes at a time like this?”

    W. “You’re talking like a kitten.”

    S. “Toots said!”

    W. “Oh No!  Who is Toots?”

    S. “A smart cat. She also lives with a fathead cat, like I do.”

    W. “Tuts! Tots! Toots! Sounds like a commercial!”

    S. “Shut up Willie!”

    W. “Oh Suzy.  I’m sorry. Tell me all about it.”

    S. “Toots says a thing like a man, but isn’t a man really, walks down her road at night.  He knocks things over and scares the horses.  He’s bigger than a horse so he scares them when he goes into their pasture and snoops around. He makes horrible sounds too!”

    W. “What horrible sounds?”

    S. “Like ‘Ayiiiiiii! Whoooop! Arrrrrgh!’ And he growls!”

    W. “Now you will have me talking like a nut too.  Toots should be ashamed of herself telling you stories like that.”

    S. “But. She’s really smart and I’m scared. I think he’s here too.”

    W. “So, what’s the worst thing that could happen if he’s out there?”

    S. “What if he’s really-really hungry?”

    W. “Well, so? More importantly, I’m hungry now!”

    S. “The worst thing is if he comes in here.  What if he eats cats? Stop thinking about food for minute Willie.  Our lives may be in danger and what about those sleepy heads in there snoring?”

    W. “I’m just not very worried. I don’t have an invisible fathead friend like you have your smart one. So, I don’t know enough to worry!”

    S. “Now who is being all existential!”

    W. “Sammie tells me that we should base our actions and beliefs on evidence or a trusted adviser, not fear Suzy.”

    S. “Oh!  I see. So, you DO have an invisible friend!”

    W. “But she’s not a fathead.”

    S. “That’s not what Toots says!”

    W. “Hey look, she’s getting up out of bed. Oh boy! Food time!"

    S. “Hm.  I like food too…”

    W. “I’ll make you a deal Suzy. When I see or hear some solid evidence of a guy with big hairy feet trying to bust into the house I will start worrying.”

    Both scurry to the kitchen, forgetting the sliding glass door and all those dark windows in their immediate excitement.

    Outside, on the dim and quiet streets he walks silently, pausing from time to time to peek into windows or rap on some siding, just for the nifty sound of it. Sometimes he stands and sniffs the breeze. A dog sees him and begins nervously yapping, then falls suddenly silent.

    A wind blows up from the bay, bringing the scent of salt water. Soon the sun will rise.

    The hairy gent glides from shadow to shadow on his way out of town.