Uncle Bob Goes Straight

 

          “Hey, Ralph,” Uncle Bob said from his place on the log, “do you remember when we were like small?  Bigger than Twigg, but small?” He squinted toward the sky as if memory was a physical feat, and it cost him a little effort.

          He took another little hit and held his breath.

          “I can remember hiding in backyards and gardens. Then everything gets hazy. You did it too, Ralph! Remember jumping out and scaring people?”
          “Well, that’s kind of what we did isn’t it, Bob?” Ralph was gazing into the deep dark air between the trees as he spoke. “Or as least we used to..” His dark eyes moved restlessly. Ralph had something on his mind. His mammoth shoulders hunched forward. He was pulling bits off of a fern and balling the bits up in his fingers and then flicking them away.
          “But, yeah, I remember being small, I remember being middle-sized too, and most of all, I remember being this size,” said Ralph. “Don’t you, Bob?”
          “No, brother, I remember running through backyards, teasing dogs and stuff, and then nothing, until like a day or two ago I think,” said Bob. “I know where I sleep, remember that nest you helped me build?  Well, I still sleep in there.  I keep adding branches to it. I wish Ramona would let me sleep in your cave, but I don’t blame her, you know, for not letting me.”
          Ralph crossed his arms on his chest and put his chin down thoughtfully.  “Funny you should mention Ramona. She thinks me and Maurice, the dogface dogboy, acted like idiots and were not clever at all.”
          “Wow!  You made Ramona mad Ralph! You better fix this, man!” Bob looked shocked, and somewhat vague. “What’cha do?”
          “Oh, I told you yesterday. You forgot! I talked Maurice into robbing a truck full of Dinty Moore beef stew down in town.  I got the idea in a dream. Sometimes dreams don’t give you very good advice, Bob.  We got away with it as far as the law down there is concerned, but not with Ramona. She says to act like a fully sentient hominid or else!
        “She wants me, since it was my bad idea, to go make some kind of restitution for what I did. I can’t take the Dinty Moore cans back; they are all empty. Maurice digs that stuff! But I think I know what a nice gift to the driver’s wife would be, the one who ratted me out to Officer Bob. And I think you are just the big old hairy buddy to help me out!”
          Ralph beamed agreeably at his old friend, Uncle Bob. Bob had the good sense to look a little worried.
          “What we’re going to do is this; we’re going to go fishing! You and me, Bob, we’re going to get a salmon about as long as my arm and take it down to Darrington in the middle of the night and deliver it to the lady!” He nodded at the finality and perfection of his plan.
          He stuck his head in the cave and told Ramona they were going fishing.  She yelled back “what?” But by then they were gone, like shadows, moving in that impossible way they do, right down to the river that flows between the mountains and the small town of Darrington.
                    Fortunately, it was the time of year when salmon swim upstream and they were not all spawned out yet, just developing the hooked noses and all that.
          How Ralph and Bob went fishing was that they both lowered themselves slowly into the river, not making too much noise or movement. There was still a little light, but they didn’t really need it because 'Squatches can see in the dark rather well. They can also hold their breath for a few minutes.
          So, they lurked underwater, just watching for a likely specimen to swim by, bobbing their heads up from time to time for a breath. The river is only about five feet deep there. Finally, one did attempt to pass them.  Bob herded it toward Ralph and Ralph grabbed it. It wasn’t as long as Ralph’s arm though, more like two and a half feet. Bob was loving it. He couldn’t remember ever having this much fun. Well, he doesn’t remember much anyhow.
          Up on the river bank, dripping that cold water, Ralph restrained the fish while Bob tore a sapling out of the ground to stick through its gills so that they could carry it conveniently.
          Two big hairy guys and a large dripping salmon headed into town under cover of darkness. No one saw them.  They were that good!
          When they got to the driver’s house, his truck wasn’t there. So, his wife was probably alone with the cats.  That just made the delivery easier, since there would be no man to look out for. It was easy for them to hang the fish on its sapling trunk up under the eaves by the back porch. Ralph hoped they would like their fish. He also hoped Ramona would appreciate the effort.
          Fish delivered, Ralph and Bob turned to go back over the river and back into the mountains.
          “Ralph this was fun. I don’t want to ever forget we did this,” said Uncle Bob. “You know, like I forget everything else?”
          “Well, Bob, I guess you know what you have to do, right?” said Ralph.
          “Yeah,” said Bob, “I do.”