Just Play Dumb, Whatever You Know!

 

            Ranger Rick, like the sterling fellow that he was, had indeed gone to Larsen’s Bakery in Milltown after his weekly bachelor’s shopping trip to Safeway. He had the Danish Butter Cake, the aforementioned Smørkage, nestled safely in the passenger’s seat of his official pickup. He kind of tucked it in with the seatbelt.
            Now, Rick never went wandering around Ralph’s domain looking for him. He had tried it a couple of times and ended up right back at the dumpster at the edge of his parking lot. So, because of a certain previous misunderstanding, he had developed a way to get Ralph’s attention. That was that he sat in his truck and beeped out some interesting paradiddles on the horn. After a few series, Ralph, or Maeve would appear.
            He had something on his mind. It was medium heavily on his mind. He needed to talk to Ralph about a matter, like today. The giving of the cake was a perfect opportunity.
            Rick drove his Forest Service vehicle up to the edge of the parking lot, rolled down the window, and started some honking. He turned off the engine and put the thing in park and went back to honking.

Different park, same sort of truck.

            Presently, as they say in old stories, Maeve appeared. She settled onto his hood and looked at him through the windshield. Rick stuck his head out of his window, so she could hear him, and said, “I need to talk to him. Will you tell him?”
            She bobbed her head a little, and took off into the forest. Silence settled all around. He didn’t need to honk anymore. He just sat there looking into the depths of the forest, waiting.
            No matter how many times Rick saw Ralph, he never got over a bit of a shock about how fantastically large Ralph was. It was the same this time. Ralph sort of shimmered out of the darkness under the trees, and there he was, looking amiably at Rick.
            Rick stepped out of the cab to talk. “Hey, I’ve got your cake! And I need to talk to you.”
            “Thanks, Rick! You didn’t have to, but yummy! What’s up?” said Ralph.
            “No biggie, Ralph. I mean about the cake. But, I do have a favor to ask,” said Rick.
            “I can’t imagine saying no,” said Ralph, looking over into the pickup’s cab.
            “I have a trainee coming tomorrow. I haven’t seen him, but his name is Dexter. This doesn’t necessarily bode well. He may be fine; he may be a complete goombah. But what I wanted to tell you is that this newbie will be wandering around. Please don’t let him see you. You’re not supposed to exist, remember?
            “I want to see what he’s made of before reality sets in! You know? My position is that you don’t exist. Then you don’t get officially investigated, and I don’t get a lot of extra hassle. Does that work for you?” asked Rick.
            “Thanks for the warning. I’ll be on the lookout for random ranger movements. Dexter, huh? Must be the right man for the job!” giggled Ralph. “I’ll tell everybody to stay out of his way until you figure him out. No problem.”
            Rick shook his head and smiled down at the asphalt. He fetched the cake out and handed it over.
            “It’s not very big, but there should be a taste for everybody,” said Rick.
            Ralph winked and sort of vanished back down the trail.
            Rick’s mind was about 80% eased. He carried his shopping in and went about his day.
            Dexter Morton, the entry level Forest Service trainee appeared right on time the next morning. It was Tuesday in the Great Forest, and it was 8AM. The weather was light and breezy.
            He was slight. Six feet tall and maybe 150lbs. Red headed. Looked earnest. Bright blue eyes.
            Dexter had been born curious, and he still was curious. He was 22 years old.
            His hat sat on his head like a promise of better things to come, like when he grew up.
            Rick did his best with him. He lectured him about his future responsibilities to the visitors to the park. He gave him walking and driving tours of the park. He discussed keeping the grounds tidy, and an eye on the camping area. He discussed the typical troubles campers got into and what his, Dexter’s, responsibilities would be in various situations.
            This went on until Friday of the week.
            Friday morning, Rick was busy at his laptop. It occurred to him that he could send Dexter around to do what he would normally have done himself. He smiled briefly. Dexter happened to be in the kitchen nook making coffee.
            “So, Ranger Morton, how would you like to go up to the campground and just say hi to all the park visitors?” said Rick.
            Naturally, Dexter sprang as the chance. He trotted right around to the regular campground and greeted each party, be it camper or carful. He enjoyed chatting and the people seemed to like him. He was feeling pretty good. But he was also feeling pretty curious, and Rick wasn’t with him.
            He decided to just quickly take an unaccompanied loop through the forest; places Rick hadn’t taken him. He was a very inquisitive young fellow. It was his defining feature, for good or ill.
            He had a great time. He wandered here and there, and at last found himself at a great huge fallen cedar log. He stood there marveling at the size of it. He should have been marveling at how he had found it.
            Right about then all nine brown and hairy feet of Ralph strolled up. “Hi, there!,” said Ralph, and Dexter fainted flat out on the forest floor.
            When he came to ten minutes later he was seated in the passenger side seat of Rick’s vehicle. He sat there, all fuzzy minded, trying to figure out why he was in Rick’s vehicle. He couldn’t imagine how he had gotten there. Then he remembered what he had seen and got all woozy again for a few minutes. He decided he should go into the office and talk to Rick. There didn’t seem to be anything else to do.
            Dexter was sure that Rick would never believe him. But he had to try.
            But Rick did believe him, and they had a long talk.
            “Dexter, the big guy you saw is Ralph. He must have carried you to my truck and put you in there to wake up. He is real. Not a myth or a delusion. He is flesh and blood, and he has a family in there too.
            “I’m surprised that you managed to get that close to him. Most people have to be led in by one of them, or they just get lost and end up back out here. I don't understand how you did it.
            “It’s like this. Ralph and I have kind of a deal between us. I tell anybody who asks, especially anyone official that there are no Squatches in the Mt. Baker-Snoqualmie National Forest.
            “I like Ralph. We’re friends. Telling them that keeps people from trying to find him and his family and his animal friends. And it keeps officials, and investigators, and myriad looky-loos off of my back. We just don’t admit a thing. By the way, none of them in there will hurt you. In fact, you’re safer with Ralph out there. He seems to have a calming effect on reality, if you can dig that.
            “I just don’t admit a damn thing and act like the idea of Bigfoot is the damn-fool silliest thing I have ever heard about. Dexter, I have to know. Can I count on you to just play dumb? Just don’t know anything?” said Rick.
            “Rick, I’m not likely to go around telling anybody that a big old Sasquatch found me in his forest and I fainted like a girl and then he carried me out of the woods and put me in a truck!” said Dexter. "I didn't even believe in those things! Now, what?"
            “Nope, you’re not likely to go around telling anybody that one,” said Rick. “But can you just be real dumb about it, no matter who asks if we have any Bigfoots in here? I mean, if you can’t keep the bargain, I suppose you could transfer out to some other park.”
            “No. I can do it. It feels natural anyhow,” said Dexter.
            “Good. By the way, I’d leave them alone out there, right?” said Rick. “Ralph shows up here once in a while. You’ll get used to him, eventually.”
            Dexter rolled his eyes and Rick laughed.
            “Sure. Absolutely,” said Dexter.
            “Now, I thought you were making coffee out there..” said Rick.
            When Dexter stood up to go fetch a couple of cups of coffee, he happened to look out of the station window. He thought he saw a coyote trot through the parking lot.
            He did, but decided to just go get the coffee, because the woods are full of many exotic creatures. No surprise there.

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