“Mona. Ramona. Firekeeper of
excellence. I have supported you in all things. I went along with that big
apron. I was alright with cooking experiments. But I gotta ask you, mysterious one,
what is this?” said Ralph, rather wistfully.
He was looking down into one of those wide shallow wooden bowls. In it lay many slices of roasted, garlicked up wild pig. Nestled around said pig was a lot of sinister looking limp shreds of some vegetal matter, full of mysterious bits of this and that.
He poked at it, experimentally, with one long forefinger.
“Thaga and I made that a while back, Ralph. It’s sauerkraut,” said Ramona.
“It’s that old? Is it safe?” said Ralph, delaying actually tasting it. “That word scares me, Mona.”
“It’s fermented, Baby. Of course it’s safe or I wouldn’t be feeding it to you! It’s a way of preserving cabbage, plus it’s like a pickle,” she said, calmly.
“What’s fermenting?” said Ralph.
“Um, Thaga said it’s like controlled rotting,” admitted Ramona.
“Oh, goody,” said Ralph.
“Come on, Baby! You’re the Amiable Monarch of Everything Around Here, and the bravest Hairy Man in the Great Forest! And your children, a wolf, and two big cats are watching you,” added Ramona.
“Oh, fine. I wonder what Maeve would think of it?” muttered Ralph, taking a large tidy pinch of the stuff up in three fingers of his right hand and popping in his big reluctant mouth.
The woods went silent. Ramona waited. Everyone wanted to see what Ralph thought of it.
“Hey, hey, Mona! It doesn’t look very good, but it’s tasty! Sharp, hot, and spicy! Good stuff! Whose idea was this fermenting thing anyhow,” said Ralph, starting in on the sliced pork.
“Well. What I heard, from both Thaga and Ooog is that fermenting is part of the history of human people forever. Some people even ferment fish. Um, that’s how you get beer and wine, some cheeses, even some sausages are a little fermented. You can see that those are all human things. I don’t plan on starting it here. It is just one old method of preserving food,” said Ramona.
“Well, it’s good. I don’t know why I ever doubted you! Everything you do is great, Mona,” said Ralph.
Seeing that Ralph said it was OK, the kids and the animals all ate with their usual enthusiasm.
Everything was going lovely. The fire was warm. The food was good. The company was excellent.
Just as Ramona was gathering up the bowls, and everyone was full of dinner, Maeve came blasting down out of the tree tops.
“Are you hungry, Maeve,” asked Ramona, hand on hip, eyebrows up, because she knew a bird with a message when she saw one.
“I’m not here for food, Ramona,” said the big black Raven. “I got some news for the Boss! He ain’t gonna like it either!” she said importantly.
“He’s heading out to his log, Maeve. Right up the path,” said Ramona. “Easy to catch!”
Maeve headed up the path, finding Ralph halfway there.
“Boss! I was flying over a couple of minutes ago and I saw a pair of Hairless of the young male variety raiding your beer and cigar supply!”
You remember that Ralph has a sheltered area under his famous cedar log for the beer that student brings him as payment for interviews, and his cigar stash, of course.
Ralph found that this was true. His stash was gone. All of it. Two six packs of Heineken, which he had been saving, and a cigar box with a couple of Cubans left in it.
Not only that, but the log area was wet, and had a suspiciously familiar smelling aroma.
“Do you know where they went, Birdy?” said Ralph.
“I do. They have a nice camp and a nice fire down by the river, on the bank there,” croaked Maeve, rather direly.
Maeve assumed her usual perch on Ralph’s left shoulder, and they started out for the riverbank.
And, just as she had said, there were two young fellows of the Hairless variety tending a nice little camp fire and drinking Heinekens and each smoking a cigar.
Ralph walked slowly up on them, creating quite a bit of noise on the river pebbles. The guys looked up.
One, a blond, about 17 years old, Robert, took off running upstream screaming something or other. Nobody could have understood the garbled shouting. He lost the cigar in the river.
The other one, dark and thin, Matt, sat frozen with his mouth hanging open and the half cigar fallen to the pebbles he sat on.
Ralph put out their campfire in the only way he could without a garden hose, and not resorting to river water. He gave their camping gear and backpacks a good sprinkling too. By then Maeve was giggling, though Matt later swore she was making a hideous gargling noise.
While the fire spot hissed and steamed malodorously, Ralph located the one untouched six pack and retrieved it.
Before he and Maeve started out for home, he looked at Matt still frozen there.
“That was my stuff you two stole,” said Ralph in his deepest rumble.
Matt’s eyes rolled back in his head. He wavered for a moment, then snapped out of his faint. Without moving a muscle he said, softly, “Sorry. Man, we didn’t know.”
“You knew it wasn’t yours….”said Ralph, mellowing somewhat.
“You’ll never see me again, but I have to go find that idiot Robert,” said Matt, climbing to his feet. “We’ll be out of here as quick as I can manage it.”
Ralph thought it had gone rather well, so he turned, hiding a grin, and carried his big black Raven back to the Home Clearing to explain what all the excitement had been about.
He was looking down into one of those wide shallow wooden bowls. In it lay many slices of roasted, garlicked up wild pig. Nestled around said pig was a lot of sinister looking limp shreds of some vegetal matter, full of mysterious bits of this and that.
He poked at it, experimentally, with one long forefinger.
“Thaga and I made that a while back, Ralph. It’s sauerkraut,” said Ramona.
“It’s that old? Is it safe?” said Ralph, delaying actually tasting it. “That word scares me, Mona.”
“It’s fermented, Baby. Of course it’s safe or I wouldn’t be feeding it to you! It’s a way of preserving cabbage, plus it’s like a pickle,” she said, calmly.
“What’s fermenting?” said Ralph.
“Um, Thaga said it’s like controlled rotting,” admitted Ramona.
“Oh, goody,” said Ralph.
“Come on, Baby! You’re the Amiable Monarch of Everything Around Here, and the bravest Hairy Man in the Great Forest! And your children, a wolf, and two big cats are watching you,” added Ramona.
“Oh, fine. I wonder what Maeve would think of it?” muttered Ralph, taking a large tidy pinch of the stuff up in three fingers of his right hand and popping in his big reluctant mouth.
The woods went silent. Ramona waited. Everyone wanted to see what Ralph thought of it.
“Hey, hey, Mona! It doesn’t look very good, but it’s tasty! Sharp, hot, and spicy! Good stuff! Whose idea was this fermenting thing anyhow,” said Ralph, starting in on the sliced pork.
“Well. What I heard, from both Thaga and Ooog is that fermenting is part of the history of human people forever. Some people even ferment fish. Um, that’s how you get beer and wine, some cheeses, even some sausages are a little fermented. You can see that those are all human things. I don’t plan on starting it here. It is just one old method of preserving food,” said Ramona.
“Well, it’s good. I don’t know why I ever doubted you! Everything you do is great, Mona,” said Ralph.
Seeing that Ralph said it was OK, the kids and the animals all ate with their usual enthusiasm.
Everything was going lovely. The fire was warm. The food was good. The company was excellent.
Just as Ramona was gathering up the bowls, and everyone was full of dinner, Maeve came blasting down out of the tree tops.
“Are you hungry, Maeve,” asked Ramona, hand on hip, eyebrows up, because she knew a bird with a message when she saw one.
“I’m not here for food, Ramona,” said the big black Raven. “I got some news for the Boss! He ain’t gonna like it either!” she said importantly.
“He’s heading out to his log, Maeve. Right up the path,” said Ramona. “Easy to catch!”
Maeve headed up the path, finding Ralph halfway there.
“Boss! I was flying over a couple of minutes ago and I saw a pair of Hairless of the young male variety raiding your beer and cigar supply!”
You remember that Ralph has a sheltered area under his famous cedar log for the beer that student brings him as payment for interviews, and his cigar stash, of course.
Ralph found that this was true. His stash was gone. All of it. Two six packs of Heineken, which he had been saving, and a cigar box with a couple of Cubans left in it.
Not only that, but the log area was wet, and had a suspiciously familiar smelling aroma.
“Do you know where they went, Birdy?” said Ralph.
“I do. They have a nice camp and a nice fire down by the river, on the bank there,” croaked Maeve, rather direly.
Maeve assumed her usual perch on Ralph’s left shoulder, and they started out for the riverbank.
And, just as she had said, there were two young fellows of the Hairless variety tending a nice little camp fire and drinking Heinekens and each smoking a cigar.
Ralph walked slowly up on them, creating quite a bit of noise on the river pebbles. The guys looked up.
One, a blond, about 17 years old, Robert, took off running upstream screaming something or other. Nobody could have understood the garbled shouting. He lost the cigar in the river.
The other one, dark and thin, Matt, sat frozen with his mouth hanging open and the half cigar fallen to the pebbles he sat on.
Ralph put out their campfire in the only way he could without a garden hose, and not resorting to river water. He gave their camping gear and backpacks a good sprinkling too. By then Maeve was giggling, though Matt later swore she was making a hideous gargling noise.
While the fire spot hissed and steamed malodorously, Ralph located the one untouched six pack and retrieved it.
Before he and Maeve started out for home, he looked at Matt still frozen there.
“That was my stuff you two stole,” said Ralph in his deepest rumble.
Matt’s eyes rolled back in his head. He wavered for a moment, then snapped out of his faint. Without moving a muscle he said, softly, “Sorry. Man, we didn’t know.”
“You knew it wasn’t yours….”said Ralph, mellowing somewhat.
“You’ll never see me again, but I have to go find that idiot Robert,” said Matt, climbing to his feet. “We’ll be out of here as quick as I can manage it.”
Ralph thought it had gone rather well, so he turned, hiding a grin, and carried his big black Raven back to the Home Clearing to explain what all the excitement had been about.
🍂🌲🍁
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